How We Got Here
by Jemibub
Summary: A Rent-fic, basically kind of a prequel, it spans over about 5-6 years though, so later it won't be. NEW!!! Part Five- Angel's memorial scene, and Cassy and Mark talk some more. r/r please!
1. How We Got Here- Introduction

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# How We Got Here

## By: Erin

**Disclaimer:** Okay, Cassandra belongs to me, anyone from Rent belongs to Jonathon Larson and such, Wherever I Go, Coming of Age, When Happily Ever After Ends, Les Mis and any other play I happen to mention belong to whoever wrote them, who the rights are held by and etc. Mooing America is copyright to Erin Weir and Karen Sadler. Hmm... I think that's it, and if I missed anything, please don't sue me, I have nothing other then a whole bunch sparkling water. Now, on to my story... 

"Cassandra Wilson (Ashley)- A 23 year old Toronto native is glad to be here". "Favorite previous roles include: Original Workshop "Natalie" (_Wherever I Go_), Original Workshop "Deedee" (_Coming of Age_), Original Workshop/Off-Broadway "Mariam" (_When Happily Ever After Ends_) and "Eponine" (_Les Misérables_)". "She would like to thank her family, friends, the 'Bohemians', her Angel and Mark for all the support". 

By just reading my bio, people can pick up all that up, plus various other information bits, and feel as if they know me. They may not understand all the references, but they'll have those little bits of information. 

Then there are the people who take the time to stage door. They'll learn that my reddish-brown hair is actually very long when not done up in the elaborate "Ashley" style, that my eyes actually _are_ blue and that I'm deceptively short. If they talk to me, they'll learn that I'm generally very friendly to fans, I'm close to a good deal of the cast and that I'm perfectly willing to tell long stories about something that anyone and I have done. And it seems to be common knowledge that after every performance a blonde man with glasses, sometimes joined by other people, will come pick me up. Sometimes he's seen the show, usually he hasn't, but he always comes to pick me up just the same. 

The rather gung-ho people who know a lot about me come next. These people have read magazine articles, interviews, conducted interviews of their own, some of them have "fan pages". They can go around saying things with authority. "Cassy and her boyfriend are probably going to be engaged soon." "One of Cassandra's dream roles is "Jemima" in _Cats_ but if she were a guy she would love to play Grantaire or Enjolras in _Les Mis_." Of course, they're usually right, although there always is people wandering around saying totally untrue statements. "Cassi and her boyfriend met in Paris when she was playing the first female Grantaire." I _hate_ having my name spelt like that, by the way. "Cassi", ugh! 

The truth is, even these people who seem to know a lot about me don't know much at all. They have no idea how I got here. I'm a very private person and I always think hard before replying in interviews so I don't reveal too much. 

How did I get here? My story begins when I was 17 years old… 

*****

First off, I'm not technically a Toronto native, I just say that because it's so much easier. We moved around a lot when I was younger, but I started school and then moved back to and spent a chuck of my teen years in Calgary, Alberta. 2 years before I graduated from high school, we moved to Toronto, so since I graduated from high school there (in grade 12, because I had the proper number of credits), I refer to myself as a Toronto native. I then proceeded to go to university in New York because A- it had a good musical theater program and B- I was offered a full scholarship. 

Now, in order for my soon-to-be-coming comments to make sense, you must remember that I began school in Alberta, where the cut-off date is February 25th. My birthday is January 19th, so I was 17 for almost half of my freshman year. 

During my freshman year I met a lot of people but I only remained friends with a few of them- the closest (and most important) being a young musician named Roger Davis and his friends. Roger didn't go to my university- he didn't go to university at all- and I can't really remember how we met. I think he was performing some place off-campus or something. I enjoyed hanging out with him and his friends because they were so different from any of my friends back home. And just to clear up a popular rumor, I never ever dated Roger. We were close friends but that's about it. 

Anyway, just after my 18th birthday my scholarship fell through. The program had lost funding and it felt that the arts weren't as "worthy" as athletics or academics. (Even though I did get good grades in high school, I swear!) Now, I could have had my parents pay my tuition and just continued on at university- my parents could have afforded it- but I decided that it wouldn't be worth it to pay for an experience I could get being out working. My mother was okay with that, as long as I could get an audition within a month. 

That marked the big change in my life. The audition was no problem because one of my ex-directors had moved to New York and was opening a theater company/workshop production. I auditioned for him and the writer and landed my first lead in a "real" musical- Deedee in _Coming of Age_. Now that I was out of university I couldn't sty in the dorms anymore so I moved in with Roger and his friends. Life as I know it began. 

*****

At the time there were 6 of us living in the loft. Looking at the loft now I don't know how we could stand it but ah well. It was less expensive and we were happy. We were an interesting group but we generally got along well anyway. 

There was me, of course, the youngest and the one most in the public eye- at times. But, you already know about me, so I'm not going to ramble about my many virtues for pages- you'll get enough of that anyway. 

As you already know, there was Roger. Blonde, tough and a budding "rock star", he was my closest friend for awhile, and the one who "officially" "gave" me permission to move in. And, no, he wasn't the blonde man I mentioned earlier. 

That honor goes to Mark Cohen, a filmmaker and one of the "original three" who rented the loft first- Mark, Roger and Benny, who you'll meet later. After about a year I got to be very good friends with Mark and told him _everything_, as you'll see. 

There were two of us who were in university- Tom Collins and Benjamin Coffin. Collins, as we called him, was at least 4 years older then me and in his final year. He was basically an anarchist but that isn't exactly a paying job, so he was getting a teaching degree. Once Collins tried to explain to me exactly what he was planning to teach (some kind of philosophy) but I didn't quite get it so, being the sweetheart he is, he let me change the subject and helped me with characterization for my current role. 

Then there was Benjamin Coffin the III, otherwise known as Benny, who as in his second year, working for a business degree. He was an incredibly attractive boy (because at the time he really was only a boy), sweet, charming, funny… if you can't tell, I liked him more then just a little. Unfortunately, sometimes I thought Maureen did too. (Even though I got the boy. Ha) 

Ah, Maureen Johnson, the only other girl and my sometimes enemy. We never got along that well, we were too similar and yet too different at the same time. Maureen would stage a protest or perform a free performance art piece and I'd ask her why she was "wasting" her talent, when she definitely had the skills to make it on Broadway. (Wow, that girl could _belt_!) Or I'd land a role in a show and she'd ask me why tickets were so expensive- the homeless enjoy theater just as much as the rich. But, whenever we weren't fighting we'd bond and have girl-talk, something we so desperately needed in an apartment full of guys. 

And so, that was us. As I said before and you can now see, we were an interesting group, but we got along well anyway. 

There was this restaurant- the Life Café- that we'd always go to to celebrate. If I got a new role, if Roger finished a song or Mark finished a film, if Maureen had a successful protest, if Benny or Collins did well on a test/exam, we'd go there to celebrate. Depending on exactly what we were celebrating, sometimes we'd get really into and jump and dance around the tables to accent our point. Luckily we didn't do it often enough for the staff to hate us and we generally got hyper later at night, so it's not like we disturbed anyone. 

And so, for us, life went on in its happy-go-lucky way. That's not to say that we didn't have troubles- God knows we did. Some months we almost didn't have enough money to pay the rent. (A couple of times I had to call my parents to send down some rent money- since they were the most willing to pay.) During the winter the heater would often break and we would be near frozen. Roger had gigs whenever he could get them- his only source of income- and Mark always ended up with crappy jobs while waiting for someone to buy one of his films. I got cast in dozens of non-developed, unfinished musicals, with only a few somewhat successful ones. And about 2 years after I moved in, Collins contracted AIDS, which scared the hell out of me because I thought he was going to die. He didn't, and for awhile there I had worse health then him, but still! Despite our problems, life was… well, _life_ and we just kept on living it. 

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	2. How We Got Here- Part One

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# How We Got Here- Part One

## By: [Erin][5]

_**Disclaimer:** Okay, Cassandra belongs to me, anyone from Rent belongs to Jonathon Larson and such, Wherever I Go, Coming of Age, When Happily Ever After Ends, Les Mis and any other play I happen to mention belong to whoever wrote them, who the rights are held by and etc. Mooing America is copyright to Erin Weir and Karen Sadler. Hmm... I think that's it, and if I missed anything, please don't sue me, I have nothing other then a whole bunch sparkling water.   
Also, I should probably mention that everytime Cassandra jumps forward in time during her story it's going to have it's own part... and I might have to break down one of the longer parts later on too, but that's not important now. Anyway, on to my story._

We're going to jump forward about 2 years. One of my more successful musicals, _Wherever I Go_, had just finished it's Off-Broadway run. I was out of work and had gone to a few unsuccessful auditions. On a happier note, Benny and I had started dating about a year before. It was an interesting relationship since we had been living together since before the beginning, but it was fine. 

On the day in question, I was stomping home after yet another audition… 

*~*~*~*

Once I got home I flung the door and noticed that only Benny seemed to be home. I couldn't rant about the audition to him- only Mark or Collins could stand that- but I could whine and cry. 

Benny, who was sitting on the couch, looked up from the book he was reading. " Hey," he said, holding out his arms. "How did the audition go?" 

I sat down beside him and forced myself to smile. "Terrible. My ankle collapsed during the dance part for some reason, my voice cracked on that High C in my audition song and during the running-off exit of my scene I ran into a door. Something tells me I'm not getting into that show." I sighed. If I didn't get a job soon I'd have to give up my jazz runners or pointe shoes to pay my part of the rent. 

Benny grinned at me. "I can tell you something that will make you feel better." 

I looked up at him and sighed again. "Benny, you're not going to take me to see one of those really bad musicals again in hopes that it will make me fell better about myself, are you? Because no offense, but it doesn't work. Especially since I've been in much worse musicals then those in my 'career'." 

"Nope." Benny shook his head and kept on smiling. "I took a phone call for you today while you were at the audition." 

"And…" I prompted. Benny just sat there grinning like an idiot. I rolled my eyes. "Come on, Benny, tell me! It's not funny to leave your out-of-work-almost-depressed girlfriend in the dark." 

"Okay, fine. It was the Cameron Mackintosh people in regards to _Les Misérables_. They want you to come down for a meeting with the directors and producers at 5." 

"5!" I exclaimed, looking at my watch. "Benny, that's in 2 hours. If you hadn't wasted so much time not telling me then I could be half ready to go by now. But, no! You had to play the guessing game. Now I'm all sweaty and nasty from a dance audition so I'm going to go attempt to make myself presentable." With that I went into "my" bedroom (I had to share it with Maureen) and closed the door to get changed. 

"Yeah, you're welcome for telling you!" Benny yelled at the door. 

Ah, our happy relationship. We just knew each other _way_ too well. 

*****

Upon entering the loft for the second time that day, I noticed that Mark had took Benny's place on the couch. "Where's Benny?" I demanded. 

"Nice to see you too Cassy." Mark said, looking over at me. "He's in Collins and his room. He said that he didn't want to be out here when you got home because he thought you'd still be mad at him." He shrugged. "I told him you wouldn't be, but he didn't listen. Anyway, how did the meeting go?" 

I sat down on the couch again. "Well, the Eponine is having "family problems" so they want me to take over for a couple of months. I accepted, basically because I need a pay check and this will look great on a resume." 

Mark smiled and looked genuinely happy for me. "That's great, Cassy! You've never just straight out been offered a role without having to audition before! This-" Mark stopped talking as he saw my expression. "What? Isn't it good?" 

I shook my head. "Not really. They decided on me because I usually do new work and they thought it would appeal to people who are thinking that _Les Mis_ is too mainstream. I mean, they said that they were "impressed with my Off-Broadway work" but I don't know. It feels to me that they're just using my name to get ticket sales, like they used that Shanice girl's name before." 

"Cassy…" Mark began. 

"No no, they're right." I sighed. "_Les Mis_ is pretty mainstream, nothing like the so-called "professional" work I've done before. But then again, _Wherever I Go_ must have been somewhat mainstream if it got my name out there for the casting people to hear." Mark looked confused but I didn't really care, it felt good to talk out my emotions. "But _Les Mis_ is so much more well known, and some of the songs, including the one I'm going to have to sing, are so overused at auditions and stuff. Oh God, what did I just do?" I suddenly felt like I was going to cry. "I've basically sold out." 

Mark shook his head as he realized what I was worried about. "Cassy, you didn't sell out. All you did is realized your dream. I mean, you've told me a thousand times that you wanted to be on Broadway and now you are. Besides, _Les Mis_ isn't that mainstream, at least you're not in _Grease_ or something like that." 

By this point I actually was crying and trying desperately to stop. I hate crying in front of people, but this was scaring me so much that I couldn't stop. "Okay, so maybe _you_ don't think I've sold out, but it's harder to sell out when you're making films. What do you think Roger and Maureen will say?" 

"Whoa, calm down, okay?" Mark set his hands on my shoulders. "First off, Roger would never accuse you of selling out, you're one of his best friends. And second, since when do you care if Maureen thinks you've sold out? She tells you that you're selling out every time you join a show, remember?" 

I wiped my eyes and smiled, kind of. "Because I'm performing in a theater for the "rich" not on the street. I guess it was stupid for me to worry." I shrugged. "I'll be okay. Thanks, Mark." 

"Your welcome." Mark smiled back. "What are you going to tell everyone else?" 

"What? About the show?" I shrugged again and then thought for a minute. "I guess I'll just tell them that I'm going to be Eponine in _Les Misérables_ for a bit." 

"No crying? No whining?" Mark teased. 

"No. You and Collins are my worry buddies, but I don't think I can go through that emotion again. I never cry. Well… except for when I have to but nevermind. No more emotional confessions for Cassy today." I remember that Benny was still hiding in his room because he thought I was still mad at him. 

"Benny, you can come out now!" I called in the general direction of his door and then turned back to Mark. "Okay, that was enough whining about my life, what's been going on with you lately, Mark?" 

"Well, last night when you and Benny were out me and Maureen went on a date…" Mark began. 

*~*~*~*

Okay, so maybe I'm just more then a little self-conscious and whiny. You can all sigh now if you want. But hey, when you life with people who's existence revolves around not selling out, you'd be worried about selling out too. 

Well… maybe their lives don't _revolve_ around not selling out, but it's pretty important to everyone. And I guess that being successful is different then selling out, but I don't know. Knowing that they were just using my name (at least in my mind) made it feel like selling out to me. And although most everyone was happy for me, Maureen still did tell me that I was selling out. It's just something I would have to get used to. 

Anyway, the _Les Misérables_ job lasted for about 5 months or so, but as soon as the old Eponine was back they dropped me right away. Certainly makes you feel wanted, doesn't it? Ah well, it's always good to be able to say that you've been in a Broadway musical. 

At least for me, the next 2 years passed rather uneventfully. A year after _Les Mis_ began; Benny and I broke up. I guess I wasn't that upset about it, 2 years was a long time. Besides, there's a point you get to when you're not dating again more, your just seeing each other and we reached that point. 

I'm sure that interesting things happened to the others during that year, but this is my story, and I plan to tell what happened to me. If you want to know what happened to Collins the year he was 25, you'll have to ask him yourself. As for me, I did a few shows, had a few casual dates and that's it. 

But as I said, 2 years later our little group began to fall apart. Benny had decided to spend his final year living in the dorms and Collins was off to Chicago for a teaching job. Why Benny decided on living in dorms for his _senior_ year is beyond me, since that's the year that most people chose to move out of dorms. Maybe he felt like he just had to get away. I don't know. Mark and Maureen were still together but Maureen had moved out to be "closer to her performance space". Roger had a new girlfriend. I had nothing, other then a new pair of pointe shoes, which were blue. My life is very interesting, isn't it? But then there was my decision, which apparently brought all of us back together, if only for awhile… 

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	3. How We Got Here- Part Two

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# How We Got Here- Part Two

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By: [Erin][5]

_**Disclaimer:** Okay, Cassandra belongs to me, anyone from Rent belongs to Jonathon Larson and such, Wherever I Go, Coming of Age, When Happily Ever After Ends, Les Mis and any other play I happen to mention belong to whoever wrote them, who the rights are held by and etc. Mooing America is copyright to Erin Weir and Karen Sadler. Hmm... I think that's it, and if I missed anything, please don't sue me, I have nothing other then a whole bunch sparkling water. _

I guess my decision didn't really bring us back together but it was because of the decision that the "incident" happened. I hope that sentence made sense, because there are things that make sense in my mind that don't out loud. 

Anyway, it was a bit after I turned 22- at the beginning of February, I guess, I'm terrible at exact dates- and there were 4 of us left in the loft. Me, Mark, Roger and his new girlfriend April. Argh, April. I generally like most people (except for those I don't like) but April! I very much disliked that girl and she seemed to hate me. 

April disliked me since the day she moved in, but I guess I can understand why. I mean, if you moved in with your boyfriend only to find this girl who had been living there for the past 4 years and _she was single_, wouldn't you be suspicious too? The thing that bothered me was that she could not get it through her head that I was not "hitting" on her "man" and that I had dated _Benny_ in the past, not _Roger_. 

Truthfully, I think what actually made me dislike April was the fact that she was a junkie. No, that's not right. I may have considered drugs to be stupid and April to be ruining her life, but that was her own decision. Drugs ran ramped in the East Village anyway, so it seemed obvious that sooner or later I'd end up hanging out with someone who was a junkie, so that wasn't even the real reason. The thing was, recently she had convinced Roger to join her in her little junkie-ness. Roger was trying to hide his addiction from Mark and I but when you know someone as long as we had, you can tell. 

But, as much as I didn't like April, she had nothing to do with my decision. And you've probably guessed it by now... I was moving out. 

*~*~*~*

"But why?" Mark asked and Roger nodded, making it obvious that he wanted to know why too. This question, of course, was asking why I was moving out. 

"Because I can't stand to live with two guys for any longer," I replied, grinning at them. I was sitting on my couch as Mark and Roger attempted to carry it down the stairs. 

"Cassy, can you get off the couch? You're making it heavy," Roger ordered. "And besides, up until just a little while ago, you lived with 4 guys and you were fine with that." 

I complied with Roger's order and jumped off the couch still grinning. "Yes, but you see, Collins and Benny cleaned up after themselves." 

"Hey! We clean up after ourselves too!" Mark protested. "We're not that messy." 

I sighed. "I know that Mark, I was joking." I smiled at the guys and then walked into my new apartment and pointed to an area in the 'living room'. "Just put the couch down over there. And, offense, but Collins and Benny were neater then you two, anyway." 

"Benny's a neat freak," Roger mumbled, setting down his end of couch. "Well, then, what's the real reason?" 

"I don't know. I've never lived on my own before." I shrugged as Mark set down his end of the couch too. "I mean, in university I had a roommate in the dorms and then, when I dropped out, I moved in with you guys. I guess I need independence or something." 

"You've been talking to your mom, haven't you?" Roger asked and I nodded. He grinned and shook his head, knowing that my mom had quite a bit of influence in this choice. "Okay, well, you're welcome to move back in with us if you ever need to. I'm going to get some more of those boxes, okay?" I nodded again and Roger left the room. 

The second Roger went out the door, Mark threw himself at me and grabbed my ankles. "Please don't leave me alone with the 'happy couple', Cassy!" 

I laughed. "Oh, come on, Mark. I'm just moving downstairs." Okay, it was kind of pathetic that I had only moved into one of the apartments on the lower floor. But I didn't want to move _that_ far away and this made me feel somewhat independent so it made perfect sense in my mind. "Besides, you have your own girlfriend." 

Mark snorted at that statement. "In case you didn't notice, Cassy, Maureen moved out." 

"Yeah, I know. To be closer to her performance space, right? So…?" I noticed Mark was looking at me like he couldn't believe I thought that. "What? She did, didn't she?" 

"Do you know where Maureen's performing now?" Mark asked. I shook my head. "I didn't think so. She's performing in the empty lot next door." 

I was confused. "Then why'd she move out?" I asked. 

Mark shook his head. "God, Cassy, you're so naïve. It's obvious; Maureen's cheating on me. Except it's hard to cheat on someone when you live with them, so she moved out." 

"You really think so?" I asked, pushing him toward the couch so he'd sit down. "Why don't you break up with her then?" 

Mark sighed and sat down heavily on the couch. "Have you learned nothing in the past 4 years? You don't dump Maureen, she dumps you. Besides, even if we did break up, we'd get back together within a month anyway. We don't have a relationship like you and Benny." 

I sat down beside Mark. "Yeah, but me and Benny broke up. Besides, you can't let Maureen walk all over you like that." 

"Why not? Everyone else does," Mark said bitterly. 

I gasped. "Mark, you know that's not true. I, at least, don't take advantage of you. And I know Collins and Benny don't. Roger may sometimes, but he's an idiot. Now, just because you're upset because everyone's moving out doesn't mean you can get depressive. And besides-" I cut off suddenly, realizing that I was ranting and that wouldn't help Mark get over the feeling that everyone was leaving him. 

"Look, Mark, if April and Roger's happy-couple-druggie-highness ever gets to be too much, you can come stay down here with me. I mean, I have that extra bedroom and all. Okay?" Mark nodded and I reached over to give him a hug but grabbed my right upper leg instead. "Oww…" 

Mark looked over when he heard the 'ow' and noticed me holding my leg. "Cassy, is your leg still bothering you?" I nodded while trying to massage the pain out. "Maybe you should go see the doctor again." 

I shook my head. "I don't think so. She said that it was just a pulled quad last time and, besides, she did say that it would take awhile to heal. I've been taking those pills." 

"The painkillers? All they've done is make you lose weight. They don't make the pain go away at all. Maybe it's more then just a pulled quad." 

"The only reason I'm losing weight is because I can't eat after taking the pills and that made my stomach shrink. It'll be okay once I get off the pills." I stood up and pulled Mark up with me. "Come on, let's go help Roger with my boxes." 

Now, I'm not quite sure how what happened next happened. All I know is that one minute Mark and I were walking up the stairs, we had almost reached the top and I said something stupid. And then the next minute I was laying at the bottom of the stairs saying, "Maybe I should go see that doctor, Mark." 

*****

I opened my eyes and immediately realized that I was laying in a hospital bed- or at least a cot similar to one- with a tube sticking out of my right hand. I looked around and it became obvious that the bed actually was a hospital bed, although I didn't recognize the room I was in. I then looked to my beside, because Mark was there, seemingly amusing himself by spinning around in a chair. "Damnit Mark, where am I? Last I remember I was in that emergency room." 

Mark stopped his spinning and smiled at me. "Hey Cassy. This is your hospital room, because they think it could be serious. They moved you here on one of those roll-y beds while you were asleep." Anticipating my question, Mark continued, "You were asleep because they gave you codeine to take away the pain and codeine knocks you out. They also have been giving you some type of antibiotics through the IV every 4 hours." 

"Yay, all this because I fell down the stairs." I rolled my eyes. "Okay, how long have I been asleep then?" 

"A long time. I don't know, 18 hours I guess, it's Monday afternoon now." Mark shrugged. "By the way, Roger got bored while you were asleep, so he went home and finished moving your stuff." 

"I'll have to thank him," I said, more to myself then Mark. "Where is Roger and everyone else, anyway?" 

"Well, Collins is probably sitting in an airplane, I'm sitting here and Roger, April, Benny and Maureen are all sitting in the cafeteria because they would only let family members in." 

"You're not technically part of my family, Mark, in case you forgot," I replied, rolling my eyes. 

"Yeah, I lied," Mark said simply. Then, noticing me roll my eyes again he began to elaborate. "Because we thought you'd want someone here when you woke up, you know? And so, me and Roger decided one of us should say we were related and Roger was going to say that he was your brother since he- kind of- looks like you but then Collins called and asked for 'Roger Davis' so that didn't work. Anyway, I don't look like you so… Roger told them that I was your fiancée and they had to let me in," Mark finished shrugging. 

"Oh brilliant." I rolled my eyes for a third time. "Does my _real_ family know that I'm in the hospital?" 

"Oops." Mark closed his eyes and then opened one and smiled weakly. "I knew we forgot something. Oh well, I'm sure you can call them later and tell them." 

"My God, my friends are idiots. Ah well. When do you think Collins will get here?" 

Mark looked at his watch. "Actually, he should be hear any minute now. It's only a short flight and his plane left earlier this morning." 

"Did you know what time it was before now? It's late afternoon, isn't it?" I asked. Mark smiled and shook his head then nodded it, so that I knew the answer to the first question was no and the second was yes. I smiled back and grabbed Mark's hand with my hand that didn't have an IV in it. "I'm kind of scared. I hope they let everyone come in when he gets here." 

Just then the door opened and Collins walked in, followed closely by Benny with everyone else lagging behind a bit. "Hey little girl," he greeted me. "Do they know what's wrong yet?" 

"Considering I just woke up about 5 minutes ago, if they do know anything they haven't told me yet." I thought for a second. "How did you guys get past the 'family members only' thing?" 

"Huh?" Roger asked, blinked for a few seconds until he realized what I was talking about. "Oh, yeah, that doesn't matter anymore, because you're in a normal ward now." 

"So… you're saying that Mark didn't have to lie to get in here then?" I asked, attempting to hit Mark with my non-IV hand, which didn't exactly work, considering he was still holding it. "Stupid Mark." 

"Actually, at that point we did have to lie," Roger interjected. "Mark's been here for a long time." 

"Oh," I said, slightly embarrassed. "Well… in that case, not stupid Mark. Nice Mark. Good Mark. I'll shut up now." 

"Well, I'll change to subject to keep you from embarrassing yourself again," Collins told me. "Hey, Cass, did you ever think it'd be _you_ laying in a hospital bed with _me_ visiting _you_?" 

"Collins, don't get morbid. You're fine right now. Good health and all. Besides, all I did was fall down the stairs. I'll be out soon." 

"I'm sure you will be," Collins replied. "And, healthy as I may be, I've been sitting in an airport trying to get a flight and then sitting in an airplane- which I hate- for the past 6 hours so, I'm going to go get some coffee from the hospital cafeteria." 

"Okay, come visit me once the doctor comes and such, Collins." He nodded and started for the door. I looked around at everyone. "You guys can go with him if you want. I mean, it can't be that interesting for you guys to stand around watching the medicine pump through my IV. And you probably want coffee, Mark, considering you've been here for awhile." 

A pretty much collective nod came from the group and they all headed out the door, except for Benny. "You're not going?" I asked him. 

"No, I've been in the cafeteria for awhile. I'll stay here with you." Benny walked over to the chair that Mark had previously occupied and sat in it, smiling at me. I smiled back. Sure, he was my ex and I should have been somewhat bitter but ah well. It's hard to be bitter toward someone who's so nice to you. "Hey, Cassy, I've been thinking about our relationship and everything. And… well… I've been thinking that I was stupid for letting us break up. So… um… would you consider giving us a second chance?" 

I felt my mouth open in shock. "Benjamin Coffin, are you being shy?" He nodded. "Well… I don't know. I mean, I'm not bitter or anything but… I don't know. I'm going to have to think for a bit. You can watch the hospital's TV. From what I know of hospitals, there should be a remote attached to the wall somewhere." 

As Benny looked around the wall for the remote, nurse entered the room and looked at my IV. "Ms. Wilson, the antibiotics seem to have made your veins swell up. We're going to have to remove the IV and put one in the other hand when it's time for your next dose." 

I looked at my wrist and did notice a bump on it, but decided to try to get her to ignore that. Because I can't stand needles and having one in my hand would be even worse. "No no, that's just my wrist bone. Don't worry about it." 

"Ms. Wilson, I'm the nurse here, I think I know whether it's a bone or swollen veins, and this is swollen veins." With that the nurse dis-attached the main part of the IV from the part that was attached to my hand, removed all the tape that was holding the tube to my hand and ripped the IV out of the vein. While holding on very tightly to my "swollen" wrist. Which, of course, hurt like hell. 

"Damn," I said, holding onto my wrist lightly and trying (unsuccessfully) to keep my eyes from tearing up. "For someone who's doing something to stop it from hurting me, you're rather aggressive." 

Benny looked down at me holding my wrist and at the nurse who was busying herself by throwing away the tape and glared at her. "You hurt my Cassy," he practically yelled. "She's practically crying and you're supposed to be helping her get better." 

The nurse looked over at Benny and sighed. "I'll go get a hot pack for her to put on her wrist." With that she walked out to the nurse's station and put something in the microwave. 

I smiled over at Benny. "Do you realize what you just did? You practically yelled at someone you didn't even know for hurting me. After that, how can I not let us get back together?" 

"Really?" Benny asked, grabbing my left hand. I nodded and he looked down at me. "When did you get so skinny, Cassy? You're weren't so bone-skinny before." 

"I know." I shrugged. "I had to take some painkillers at home and I couldn't eat after taking them and so I couldn't eat and that shrunk my stomach and… yeah," I explained and as I did the nurse came back in and tossed the hot pack to me. 

She started out when Benny stopped her, "Wait, would she be allowed to leave the ward?" 

The nurse turned around and shrugged. "Don't see why not. She doesn't have an IV attached and the doctor's not going to be in until at least 6. But, we don't have any wheelchairs in this ward right now and I don't think the doctor would want her walking so it's your call." She shrugged again and left. 

Benny smiled and stood up. "Come on, Cassy, let's go see everyone in the cafeteria. You need to get out of this room." He pulled the blankets down and fixed the bed so I was sitting up. 

I rolled my eyes. "Are you going to go find an wheelchair? By the time you do that, they'll probably be done in the cafeteria and be back in here." 

Benny shook his head. "No. The cafeteria isn't that far away and I'm sure we can find a wheelchair there once we get there. And you probably only weigh about 90 lbs. now… so…" Benny scooped me up in his arms and started out the door. "Let's go tell everyone we're back together… baby." 

*~*~*~*

Well, it turns out that I didn't 'just fall down the stairs'. I actually had Osteomyelitis, which is basically an infection in my right femur. It turns out that if I hadn't gone to the hospital soon the infection could have spread to my blood, which, of course, would have killed me. As it was, I had to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks, and they would have kept me there for longer except my veins couldn't stand anymore IVs and kept collapsing so they put me on oral antibiotics instead. 

Collins stayed around until a few days after I got out of the hospital but had to go back to Chicago because he seriously couldn't miss anymore work. Benny still lived in the dorms at Brown University but he came to see me whenever he could. April and Roger were still together and on drugs and Mark and Maureen were together too, although she still wasn't living in the loft. 

So, I was out of the hospital and everything was, almost, back to normal, but during the time when I was in the hospital everything was the way it had been for the 4 years beforehand. Collins even stayed up in the loft with Roger and Mark, which made it even more 'before'ish. 

As I mentioned before, the 'incident' brought us back together for 2 weeks. But, the 2 weeks was up, and for me everything wasn't back to normal. I wasn't allowed to go back to my current show (the one that I'm still in now) for a month and even when I first went back I wasn't allowed to play my real role for another 2 months, I had to play English Girl/various other ensemble roles. because they didn't think I was up for the pressure yet. (I mean, legally, they couldn't do that, since I wrote the musical, but they were right, sadly.) 

But, anyway, I think the only thing that kept me from going completely stir crazy during that time when I was 'trapped' at home was the fact Mark came down to visit me during the days often, and Benny came during the evenings. 

*~*~*~*

I was sitting on my couch attempting to play Nintendo. It wasn't working; I don't quite have the reflexes to do well. Anyway, I was attempting to beat one of those boss guys when Mark came into my apartment and sat next to me. "Nintendo? You have Nintendo? That's not fair, me and Roger don't even have TV." 

"Yeah, but the only reason I have TV is because my mom was stupid and gave me one for Christmas and I couldn't afford cable so I had to go out and buy a VCR. And I took it with me when I moved out, which is why you guys don't have TV." I paused the game and looked at Mark. "And then reason I have Nintendo at the current moment is because my mom brought down my brother's when she came to see me. So I wouldn't go crazy when I was at home." 

"You stole your brother's Nintendo?" Mark asked. "Your poor brother, isn't he going to want to play it?" 

I rolled my eyes. "Mark, my brother's in college, something tells me he won't have time to play it there. Look, do you want to attempt to beat this boss guy for me? I've been trying for the past hour and it's not working." 

"How did you get that far anyway?" Mark asked looking at the screen. "I know you, and you can't play Nintendo at all." 

"Yeah, Lynn from the show came over earlier and we attempted to play. She beat all the levels." I shrugged. "But, you have reflexes, so do you want to help me and try to beat him?" 

Mark took the controller from me and had beat the boss within minutes. "You see, Cassy, you're supposed to run and then jump on him." 

"Whoa, hold up. Run and jump? That concept is just way to complicated for my mind to handle." 

"And yet you can remember complicated plot twists and character developments?" Mark asked, saving my game and turned off the system. 

"Hey, I'm an actress what can you say? We're not exactly known for our intelligence where I'm from." I shrugged. 

"You know, you're similar to the Princess from this game," Mark said suddenly, looking at the box. "I mean, all happy life and such and then the evil creature- in this case your infection- comes and takes you away and so Mario- that would be Benny- comes and saves you by getting back together with you and you all live happily ever after." 

I blinked. "That was an… interesting comparison there Mark. I hope you never try to use that in a film, I'm not sure the average person would get it." I shrugged. "And what about you, Mark? How would you fit into this fantasy Mario world?" 

Mark shrugged. "I'm Luigi. Mario gets the Princess and all I end up with is the big green dinosaur named Maureen." 

"The dinosaur's name is Yoshi, Mark. Not Maureen." I pointed out. Mark just shrugged and we sat quietly for a couple minutes. "Why did you drop out of university?" I asked suddenly. 

"What? How do you know that I even went to university, Cassy? I never told you that, did I?" 

"No." I shook my head. "I was talking to Benny though, and he told me how you two were roommates at Brown the first year there. So, why'd you drop out?" 

Mark shrugged. "For the same reason you did." 

"Because your scholarship fell through so your mom told you that you could quit if you could get an audition within a month?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"No, to be famous," Mark said simply. 

"I'm not famous," I replied just as simply. 

"Well, neither am I, so it's even." Mark shrugged again. "One of us could end up getting famous though and then leave the others behind." 

"No, we can make each other famous." I smiled. "Like, if you get famous, then you can put me in your films and that would work." 

"Yeah, but how are you supposed to make me famous? I'm a filmmaker and that has nothing to do with live theater," Mark pointed out. 

"Ah, that's where you're wrong. You see, once I get "famous" out there on Broadway, you can use all of your old footage of me and make a film "The Real Cassandra Wilson", or something of that sort and then make millions off of it! Or you could follow me around with your video camera until I do something stupid, like walk off the stage, and get famous off of that. See? It works!" I grinned at Mark. 

"Alright, so we'll make each other famous then?" Mark asked. 

"I guess we will," I replied, and gave him a hug. 

*~*~*~*

I don't know why I remember that conversation over all the others I must have had during that time. Maybe because it was an interesting conversation and the bulk of it was very important. I mean, when you promise to make another person famous along with you, that's a pretty important promise. 

I just hope Mark doesn't remember that conversation, because right afterwards I made a fool of myself while playing Donkey Kong and calling myself "Kung Foo Dixie". I have a way of ruining touching moments. 

Anyway, I went back to my show, got my old role back and watched as we went from a workshop performance to Off-Broadway status to looking for a producer to help get us on Broadway. Benny and I broke up again, about 4 or 5 months later, and I attended his wedding to Alison Grey 6 months after that. Nobody else of us went. 

Benny bought the apartment around us and planned to open a cyber studio. Not in the apartment building, of course, but you know what I mean. Anyway, Collins was still in Chicago, Maureen and Mark had broken up and April was… gone… 

April and Roger had contracted AIDS, presumably through a needle. April had discovered this first, left a note telling Roger and slit her wrists in the bathroom. This got Roger off drugs, but also sent him into a deep depression. And while everyone else's lives were going downhill my show was getting closer and closer to moving to Broadway. 

And finally came a Christmas Eve that changed everyone's life… and I wasn't there to see it. 

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	4. How We Got Here- Part Three

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# How We Got Here- Part Three

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By: [Erin][5]

_**Disclaimer:** Okay, Cassandra belongs to me, anyone from Rent belongs to Jonathon Larson and such, Wherever I Go, Coming of Age, When Happily Ever After Ends, Les Mis and any other play I happen to mention belong to whoever wrote them, who the rights are held by and etc. Mooing America is copyright to Erin Weir and Karen Sadler. Hmm... I think that's it, and if I missed anything, please don't sue me, I have nothing other then a whole bunch sparkling water. _

That's kind of melodramatic 'And I wasn't there to see it', but hey, I'm a writer… and an actress. Anyway, it's not like I was dead or anything- it's just that we (meaning the cast of my show) had to go do some benefit thing in L.A. Apparently the show gives people the idea that drugs are bad or something. (Gee… considering the motto at the end is 'You can't get a boyfriend if you're on crack' and the only reason they try to take over the world is because their crackheads… I can't see where the committee got _that_ idea from.) 

That's enough of me being bitter, but I was really upset when I realized that this had been such an important night for everyone else, while I spent it sitting in a Toronto airport with my insane friend Karen and our resident hasn't-decided-yet-might-be-gay guy, Danny. Somehow we had been trapped into visiting my family, performing a concert for our old high school and then our flight was delayed. 'Twasn't fun and I was quite unamused. Besides all that, I had promised Mark I'd be home for this Christmas Eve. 

*~*~*~*

"Why are you leaving again Cassy? You can't do this to me again!" Mark whined as I ran around my apartment attempting to pack so that I could get to the airport on time. 

"I have to do a benefit thing because people thing that our show actually means something. And then I have to go back to Toronto because my mom wants me to and… yeah. Mark, do you know where Danny's purse is? It broke last performance and so I was going to fix it… except he needs it for tonight and damn! Where's my pink capris? I knew I shouldn't have brought the costume's home." Procrastination at it's best. 

Mark sighed. "Cassy- calm down. You already packed the pants. Okay, now, inhale- exhale. It's just a benefit- you're too tense." 

"Mark- the purse! The purse is an incredibly important part of the show- that's why they call him Angel! I need the purse right now!" But I took Mark's advice and sat down on the edge of my bed, breathing, while he tried to continue my packing. 

"I think you're sitting on the purse." I stood up, sighed and handed the purse to Mark. "If anyone should be freaking out right now, it should be me." 

"Why?" I asked, handing him Ashley's Act II- Scene 4 & 5 costume to pack. 

"Because you're leaving me alone with happy couples again. I mean, I have to go to my ex-girlfriend's protest and meet the woman she left me for. And besides that you've practically convinced Roger to leave our apartment which means that he's either going to go outside and immediately have a fling with some blonde chick or sink back into his depression. Either way, it sets up a miserable Christmas Eve for Mark." 

"Mark, I'm flying back Christmas Eve. It'll be fine. Christmas Eve this year will be just as good as it's been for the past 3 years." 

"Easy for you to say, you're a girl with a boyfriend. I am a Mark with nobody." 

"I don't have a boyfriend Mark. And you don't have nobody- you have me." 

"You don't count, you're my friend. And you do too have a boyfriend, that guy who plays Angel in 'Mooing America'." Mark pouted at me as he continued my packing. 

"Danny!?!" I laughed and Mark pouted at me more. "Danny is… Danny. I mean, I've known the guy since high school- I can't date him anymore then I could date Roger. Besides, he might be gay." I reached over and closed my suitcase. "Look, I promise, I'll be back for Christmas Eve and it'll be fine. Now, you take care of everyone for me, okay? I don't want to come back and find dead friends." 

Mark grinned at that and handed me my suitcase. "I'll try." 

"You do that. I'll see you in about a week, okay? Hug for good luck?" I held out my arms and Mark obliged and hugged me. "Don't worry Markarooni, everything will be the same as it was before." 

As I walked down the stairs to go catch my taxi I heard Mark's voice. "Markarooni? That's a new one." 

*~*~*~*

Poor Mark. Sometimes I thought he wanted everything to be the same as it was before even more then I did. Actually, it had to be more, because at least I could run off to the theatre and immerse myself in whatever needed done there whenever I was lonely. Mark just had a video camera to disappear behind. He should have joined our little theatre cult, it would have done him a world of good. But then again, I always think everyone should be involved in theatre. I seem to remember trying to convince Benny to audition for a musical with me once. It wasn't pretty. I gave up that idea _really_ quickly. 

Anyway, L.A. worked out fine, although the trip home wasn't exactly fun. My grandmother was convinced from the time I turned 18 that I should get married. Every time I brought a guy friend home she thought we were dating and would try to convince him to propose. She tried to convince _Collins_ to propose once. It was quite interesting to see him try to explain why he couldn't propose. All in all, this was a quite uneventful trip home though. Until our plane got delayed. That was just annoying. 

We arrived in New York at about 11 p.m., 6 hours after we were supposed to. Karen offered to let me stay in her apartment that night, since it was closer but I was determined to keep my promise. Which is why I was standing outside the apartment building with a pile of luggage next to me at midnight on Christmas Eve. 

*~*~*~*

"It's before midnight. I can still keep my promise- its still Christmas Eve. It's okay, it's still Christmas Eve. For a whole 5 minutes. It's still Christmas Eve. Still Christmas Eve," I chanted as I pulled my suitcase from the back of the taxi. 

"Christmas Eve!" I randomly shouted, grinning as the taxi driver shook his head and drove away. It's always fun to scare people. I walked over to the main entrance and found it was locked. "'Tis odd. That's never happened before. Must be some stupid joke on the part of Roger or Mark." I rolled my eyes and yelled up to a third story window, "Okay, unlock the door guys! I'm cold!" 

"It wasn't them. Their not even home," a voice behind me said, making me jump. I turned around. 

"Damn Benny, you scared the hell out of me. If Mark and Roger aren't home, why is the door locked?" I raised an eyebrow and crossed my arms. "You know, what, don't tell me now. I'm cold and I want to go into my apartment. You can tell me when we're in there. Pick up one of my suitcases and unlock the door." 

"So controlling," Benny muttered, but he obliged and a couple minutes later I was attempting to make coffee in my apartment. 

"Okay, I get to ask questions, you have to answer. Where is everybody?" 

"They're at some party at the Life Café," Benny replied. 

"Why aren't you there and why was the door locked?" 

"I left because my being around seemed to upset everyone. And Alison's father padlocked their apartment and then locked the entire building because Mark and Roger wouldn't pay their rent." 

"What rent? Mark and Roger don't have to pay rent." I noticed that Benny was avoiding making eye contact. "Benjamin Coffin the Third, what did you do?" 

"I wanted Mark and Roger to pay rent." 

"Why?" I practically shouted. "If you want to be friends again making them pay rent is _not_ the way to go." 

"No!" Benny protested. "I didn't _actually_ want them to pay rent, I just wanted Maureen to stop her protest. I would have never actually made them pay, but they got all upset and won't listen to my reasoning." 

"That's because it's stupid reasoning. You're an idiot." I attempted to hit him on the back, but I don't think he even felt it. "Why didn't you just ask Maureen to stop her protest and explain. Idiot!" I tried to hit him again. 

"Cassy, stop. I don't need you mad at me too." Benny finally made eye contact and he just looked so sad. 

"Benny, what's wrong…? You look sad, and that's not exactly usual. Roger and Mark are still your friends- you know?" 

"Yeah, 'what happened to Benny, what happened to his heart? And the ideals he pursued.' That sure sounds like something a friend would say. Cassy, I'm not friends with you guys anymore- other then you. I've come to deal with it, you have to too." 

"Who said that to you, Benny?" I asked, ignoring everything other then the first sentence. 

"Roger." 

"Was Roger upset when he said this?" 

"Possibly. Probably. Yeah." 

"Well, that explains it. Roger's an idiot when he's upset, Benny. An idiot!" 

"Stop calling people that. And he's right. I'm not the same person I was before I married Alison. They think I married her for her money, I can tell. I didn't- I really do love her, Cassy." 

"I know, Benny, I know. It's okay though, Roger was just upset. I'm sure he didn't mean it- try to talk to him when he's calmed down. It's okay." I looked across the table at Benny, who looked like he wanted to cry. "Oh, Benny, don't cry, I can't stand it when guys cry, it makes me sad. They still like you, I promise." I switched chairs to the one next to Benny's and hugged him. "It'll be okay, just talk to them." 

"There you are!" A voice behind me said. "I probably should have guessed you'd be here with her." 

I turned around and sighed. It had just gotten worse, Benny's wife was glaring at me and I didn't even want to think what she thought we had done. "Hi Alison. I'm guessing you want your husband back." 

"Thank you very much, he's my husband now, not your boyfriend." Why are people always so suspicious of me? I've never _actually_ hit on a guy who's in a relationship, even though people seem to think I do. 

As I attempted to think of a reply, Alison grabbed Benny's arm. "Benny, we're going home now. You haven't been home all day, and I know why now." 

She pulled him out the door, while Benny tried to explain, "Alison, baby, nothing happened. Cassy just got home from Toronto 10 minutes ago…" 

*~*~*~*

Poor Benny. Not that I feel sorry for all of my friends or anything. It's not his fault that he doesn't seem to be able to re-start friendships. He's the type of guy who was popular in high school and seems to just expect everyone to like him. I wasn't even sure if he realized why everyone was so upset with him. Especially since I still was friends with him even though I was his ex-girlfriend. I mean, I can't be mean to anyone. The only person I was ever mean to was this really annoying girl in high school who drove me to it. She didn't get the point when I tried to avoid her, so finally I was forced to tell her that I didn't like her. 

Anyway, the point of my whole rant was that Benny is not good at working to make friends. He just doesn't have the experience and makes due however he can. Which why he needs a friend that will yell at him when he acts like an idiot. (Not that I do that.) I guess a good example of his inability to work on friendships would be New Year's Eve that year. 

*~*~*~*

I had the entire cast of 'Mooing America' over for a New Year's/cast party that night, but it wasn't a big deal, since nobody else was in the building. I hadn't seen Mark or Roger or anyone since I had left for L.A.- I guess they couldn't get back into their padlocked apartment. Just after midnight there was a loud thump filtering through my floor. 

"Ashley!" Karen yelled, throwing herself at me and grabbing my waist. "The loud noise scared me!" 

"Foolish child." I poked her with my foot and she stood up. "Ashley is the young one and Alex is the bossy older one. I should be running to you for safety." Karen shrugged, and I grinned. "I'll go see what's happening upstairs. Go mingle, I'm sure there's someone in the cast who hasn't realized how insane we are yet. I'll be back." 

"Never say that! You're going to die now, Cassandra! We'll be leaving and find you lying at the bottom of the stairs with a broken neck! Don't you know the horror movie rules?" I shook my head at Karen's yelling and continued up the stairs. 

The first thing I noticed as I reached the loft was that it no longer had a door. The next thing I noticed was that Mark and a few other people- a couple of whom I didn't recognize- were standing inside, seemingly celebrating. I, of course, decided to ruin this moment by running into the room and jumping on Mark. "Markarooni! You came back! Well… actually I came back, but that's not the point." 

"Don't call me that again, Cassy. It's frightening," Mark smiled and I let go of him as he focused his video camera on me. "Close on Cassy, who strangely just called me 'Markarooni'. She also doesn't know anything that's happened since Christmas." He turned off the camera. "Roger isn't quite depressed anymore. He left the apartment, and besides that, I managed to keep all of your friends alive." 

"Good good," I replied, grinning. I turned around and noticed the blonde man standing behind me. I jumped on him as well. "Roger-o! I'm so proud of you!" Suddenly I noticed the Hispanic girl standing next to him glaring at me and I let go. 

"Roger, who's this?" the girl asked. Why is everyone so suspicious? True, I probably shouldn't have jumped on him, but this was amazing news. The boy hadn't left the apartment for at least 4 months. 

"Mimi, this is Cassy Wilson- my ex-roommate. I told you about her- she's the actress." Roger smiled and put his arm around the girl's waist. "Cassy, this is my new girlfriend- Mimi Marquez. She lives downstairs." 

Mimi smiled as well. "Nice to meet you, Cassy, I've heard a lot about you. I probably should have realized who you were when you called him 'Roger-o'." 

I shook my head. "What kind of stories have to been telling this girl, Roger? You can't go around making people think I'm crazy- it's bad publicity." I looked back at Mimi. She looked so familiar… but if she lived downstairs… "Are you the girl who lives across from me?" 

"If you're the girl who always has the loud parties, then yes I am. On the second floor." 

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Do we bother you? I didn't realize our parties were that loud. Theatre people- at least my theatre people- are kind of insane." 

Mimi laughed. "It's okay. You guys always sounded like you were having fun. It was fine." 

"If you were lonely you should have come over. I don't think we'd have noticed an extra person and even if we did we wouldn't have cared." 

Mimi's eyes flashed. Ooh, I struck a nerve. "I didn't say I was lonely. You just sounded like you were having fun." 

Just as I was about to reply to Mimi, one of those little party favor things blew and I turned around to see Benny enter and stare at the door laying on the ground. "You guys really didn't have to destroy the door. Anyway, Mark you might want to turn on your video camera for this." 

Mark shrugged and pressed the record button. "Talk away Benny." 

"I regret the unlucky circumstances of the past week," Benny began formally. 

"Circumstances? You padlocked our door!" Roger broke in. 

Benny glared in his general direction and continued, "And it's with great pleasure on behave of Cyber Arts that I hand you this key- it's for the padlock." He looked back at the door. "I guess you don't need it anymore." 

Mark looked at his camera and sighed. "My battery's dead." 

Benny shrugged. "You can reshoot. I'll say it again." 

"Whoo, photo opportunity. Great Benny," Roger sarcastically broke in. 

"Why did you change your mind anyway?" Mimi added. 

"The credit is all yours, Mimi. You made a good case. Your girlfriend's pretty smart there Roger." Benny grinned and I blinked rapidly, trying to figure out what was happening. 

"Hey, that's not how you put it yesterday!" Mimi protested. 

"What are you doing here anyway, Benjamin?" Maureen said. I hadn't even noticed she was there, which just proves how observant I am. "We know you hate us. Maybe you should be back with Muffy-darling at her estate." 

"That's not nice, Maureen! I seriously would rather be here with you guys then in Westport." 

"Oh, shut up, Benny, nobody cares." Roger rolled his eyes. 

From where I was standing I could see Benny's jaw clench, but I don't know if anyone else noticed. If they did- they didn't care. "Hey, Mimi, since you're so seductive, maybe you should convince Roger there to leave me alone." 

"Liar." 

"Maybe you should tell your boyfriend there what you wore? Black leather and lace. Or how my desk was a mess afterwards." Oh God, I knew what he was doing now. "Or maybe you should tell him _who your last boyfriend was_!" 

"I'm not her boyfriend, I don't care!" Roger yelled as I grabbed Benny's arm. I knew it was too late though, Roger already looked jealous. 

"Okay, that's it. No more. Get your ass out in the hall right now, Benny." I pushed him out the door and nervously grinned at the collection of people staring at me. "Heh, talk amongst yourselves, people, I'll be back in a bit." 

I walked out the door and saw Benny sitting on the stairs about halfway between my floor and this one. "What the hell was that, Benny? Breaking up a new relationship is not the way to get them to be friends with you again. You don't do that! This is Roger's first girlfriend since April and you're going to ruin it for him? What the hell's wrong with you?" 

Benny stared up at me. "Don't you think I know that, Cassy? I panicked. Nobody was listening to me and no one was believing me and nobody cared. God, I used to be friends with these people. What was I supposed to do- let them make fun of me?" 

"Yes!" I hit him on the back. "Idiot! At least you didn't have to try to tear them apart like that. Idiot, idiot, idiot!" I punctuated each word with another hit on the back. 

"Cassy, stop it. Sooner or later you're going to bruise me." Benny grabbed my wrist and made me sit down beside him. "Besides, everything I said was true. It's not my fault if they took it the wrong way." 

"Yes it is! You implied. Foolish boy! Idiot!" I hit him again and he grabbed my wrist again- this time holding onto it. "God, Benny." 

"What am I supposed to do? We had plans together- me, Mark and Roger. We were going to open a cyber studio together. I finally got the money for it and when I was going to open they start a protest against me. It's not fair, Cassy; they didn't even stop to hear me out. All they did was protest about how I was evicting people who were squatting. I did it for them. They don't even care." 

"Oh, Benny, I'm sorry." I didn't know what else to do so I just hugged him. "I'll talk to Mark, okay? Sometimes he listens to me. It's okay, honey, it's okay." I let go and looked him in the face. "Do you want me to call a taxi to get you home?" 

"No, I was actually serious when I said I'd rather be here. Alison's father is over." He shuddered and I laughed. 

"Look, I don't think you're exactly welcome upstairs so why don't you go down to my party. Find my friend Karen- she'll help you 'mingle'." After sending Benny down to my apartment I turned around and noticed Mark looking down the stairs at me. "I sent Benny down to my party. He's kind of upset." 

"Why should _he_ be upset?" Mark asked. "He's the mean one." 

"I'll explain later," I said quietly, walking up the stairs to meet him. "Anyway, change of subject- which lovely girl in your apartment did you kiss at midnight?" 

Mark sighed. "Nobody, I was surrounded by three couples. Quite depressing for Markarooni, here." 

"Awww, poor Markarooni. I'll kiss you." And so I stood up tall and did. "Come along now, its time for Markarooni to introduce me to the woman who stole Maureen-kabob from him." 

"Stop calling me that!" Mark protested. "And I don't think Maureen would exactly appreciate being called 'Maureen-kabob' either." 

"Meh. 'Tis no big deal." I grinned at Mark as we walked through the hole where the door once was. Suddenly I heard a voice call my name and turned around to see yet another blonde I recognized. I, of course, jumped on this person as well. "Hey, it's the drummer person. Have you been keeping warm, honey?" 

"You know my Angel?" A deep voice rumbled in my ear. 

"Collins!" I let go of Angel and hugged the taller man. "Of course I do. Angel used to hang around outside the theatre when I was in that 'Happily Ever After' musical. The one I always forced to come inside when it was cold out." I stared at Angel. "Didn't I make you come back to my house for dinner once? Because I felt bad because I made you come inside when you should have been outside making money. I don't think you were home that night though, Collins." 

I noticed Collins mouthing something at Angel. "I certainly am _not_ insane, Collins. I tell only the truth. It's true that I used to hang out with Angel here, just like it's true that there are scary old guys at the end of the Toy Story movie. Right, Angel?" 

Angel smiled and nodded. "As insane as she may sound, darling, she's right." He… she, I guess, turned toward me. "Why don't you tell me what you've been doing lately, Cassy?" 

"Well, me and my friend Karen- remember the crazy blonde one that always touched your head? Well, anyway, we're-" Just then a high note floated through the floor. 

"What's that?" Maureen asked, covering her ears. 

"Um… I think I know what it is. One of the girls in the chorus was in 'La Boheme' once, and she likes to show off. I think she's singing 'Si Mi Chiamano Mimi'. I should probably go stop her." I shrugged apologetically. "I'll see you all whenever." With that I ran back down to my apartment to save Benny from whatever he was being put through. 

*~*~*~*

Apparently, during that year everyone else grew much closer. At least from what they all (mostly Mark) told me through out the year and what Mark and Collins told me afterward. I did see everyone at least once a week, but I spent most of my time at the theatre. We were through the preview period, which meant that Karen and I had to do revisions. Fun fun. I wish I could have spent more time with all of my old friends that year, but it was seriously impossible. The only one I saw often enough was Mark. I wish I had seen everyone more. 

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	5. How We Got Here- Part Four

Jean Valjean is the main character of Les Miserables

How We Got Here- Part Four

**__**

Disclaimer: Cassy, Karen, Danny, Lynn, "Sloan" and James all belong to me. Anything thing else belongs to Jonathan Larson. And I have absolutely *no* problems with the bassoon. Honestly, I don't, James!

****

Author's Notes: This is basically just a filler until I get out of my writer's block. (Which has lasted for months.) It's kind of insane, as I wrote it while hyper, so don't be too scared.

When did I get so melodramatic? You have to wonder. Really you do. I mean, I really didn't see everyone, especially Angel, as much as I should have but I did see them. I spent a lot of time at the theatre, like I said, but people were always coming to visit me there. I actually think the theatre-owner-people began to get a little annoyed, but frankly, I didn't care. It was great, this incredibly friendly atmosphere. I guess it was kind of like the family the others claimed they had, only on a slightly larger scale. You know… I have to wish I had been part of that family. I don't know if I really would have fit in anymore, but I should have at least tried. Oh well, you can't change the past. Well… unless you can, but I don't know about that part.

I spent tons of time with Mark though. I don't know why, we just did. It's kind of sad, I used to be best friends with Roger and I barely saw him that year. He was always busy with Mimi and I was always busy with… well… I don't know what I was busy with. I just seemed to be busy. I did make time for certain things though, although they were always strange things….

*~*~*~*

"Stupid Mark," I muttered standing outside his apartment. "Can't even open the door. " It was time to get his attention. I turned the door handle and it opened easily. God, would these boys never learn to lock their door? Someday they were going to get robbed, not that they had much to steal but still. Oh well, the task at hand was to get Mark, not to mentally degrade him.

"Do you know the camera man? The camera man. The camera man. Do you know the camera man? Who really likes to film!" I stood over Mark, who was trying to do… something… with his camera, grinning.

"Umm… Cassy? Isn't that just a rip-off of that song you and Karen made-up about your vocal teacher in grade nine?" Mark looked up at me, adjusting his glasses.

"How do you know about that? Anyway, yeah, but that's just a rip-off of the 'Muffin Man' song. Anyway, there _is_ a reason I'm in your apartment." I grinned down at him. "They gave me a video camera today!"

"Oh dear." Mark stood up and set his camera on the table. "I take it you want to show me what you made with this camera? And who is _they_?"

"_They_ are the theater-owner-type-people. Anyway, yes, I do, which means you have to come down to my apartment because I have a VCR and all you have is that stupid projector-thing. Now come along Mark." I grabbed his arm and started to pull him down the stairs. "It's a grand video I have made. And important nonetheless. Whoa- there's people in my apartment!" 

I stopped walking and stared. For some reason Angel and Collins were sitting in my apartment, eating cereal. Maybe I should have locked the door when I went up to get Mark. "Um… is there a reason you guys are sitting in my apartment eating cereal?"

"Yes." Angel smiled at me. "We don't have any cereal left."

"Uh huh… why didn't you just buy more cereal? Or tell me you were coming?" Angel just shrugged and resumed his cereal eating. "Alright then… it seems the crazy people have finally found their way into my apartment, so I guess it's time to watch the video I made."

"How does that follow? I swear, you have the strangest logic in the world," Mark commented, sitting down on the couch.

"Ah, not the strangest. For example, my friend Yulanda's theory is that Karen is talented because Roger is hot. Don't ask me how _that_ follows." I grinned and rolled my eyes, pressing play. "Anyway, here's my video. You guys can watch too," I added, calling back to Angel and Collins.

"Ooh! Is this the one we helped make?" Angel asked, climbing over the back of the couch. I nodded and he motioned for Collins to join us. Just then, the video actually turned on and all of our attention was averted to that.

__

Video Me: Hi Markarooni! Or Roger-o! Or Random-Girl-Whose-Name-I-Do-Know-I-Just-Call-Her-This-To-Annoy-Her! Actually, it should probably be Mark whose watching this, because… um… I have my reasons. Anyway, as you can probably tell, they gave me a video camera today! I think I have to give it back though.

"Why did they give you a video camera anyway?" Mark asked.

"You know… I'm not quite sure. I'm sure they probably told me, I just wasn't paying attention. I tend not to do that when I don't think things are important." I shrugged.

"Brilliant Cassy, absolutely brilliant."

"Quiet you."

__

Video Me: Okay, anyway, this is our theatre- even though you know that since you've been here lots of times. They're rehearsing onstage- probably something I'm supposed to be in but that's okay. "They" being the ensemble that is. 

"Who's filming this, Cassy?" 

"Shh. It'll get to that. And stop asking so many questions!"

"You always ask questions during my films."

"Shh."

__

Video Me: And over here we have everyone's favorite couple, Angel and Collins. Why they are in my theatre I'm not quite sure. Why are you guys in the theatre?

Video Angel: Because you invited us.

Video Me: Right…

Video Angel: Hey, Mark, remind Cassy that she owes me a purse.

Video Me: Why do I owe you a purse?

"Angel, why does Cassy owe you a purse?"

"Yeah, why _do_ I owe you a purse, Angel?"

"I explain that."

__

Video Angel: Because of the scene in the show.

Video Me: Right! I owe Angel a purse because one of the scenes-, which we wrote as a tribute to you-, says, "You have a purse." "Purses are for girls." "Or crossdressers." "Like Angel." "Angel Angel nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah."

Video Angel: But I don't have a purse. So I want one.

Video Me: Look, I'll buy you a purse later, okay? Now, to the important part of this video. Karen… you can turn the camera off now. Okay? Turn the camera off. Karen!

"Voice of God" (Karen behind the camera): Mwahahahahahahaha! I have the camera now.

Video Me: Oh god.

The screen faded to black and Mark looked at me. "_That_ is the video you wanted to show me?"

"No!" I protested. "There is an important part, it just hasn't gotten to the important part yet, Captain Markarooni."

"Don't call me that."

"Sorry Markarooni. Sometimes I call people 'Captain'."

"Don't call me that."

"Okay Markarooni!"

Mark rolled his eyes and smiled. "Isn't that from a scene in the show?"

"Yeah," I sighed. "It's stuck in my brain. We spent 3 hours working on it today because Karen and Dean- he plays Jeffers- kept flirting. I told her that dating someone in the show wouldn't work!" 

"But you're dating someone from the show."

I rolled my eyes and sighed again. "Mark, for the last time, I'm not dating Danny. I am single. Cassy= single. Me single yes. Okay?"

__

Video Me: Hi Mark! Okay, to demonstrate my point, I've put together a little skit. And… um… as crazy as it may get, just remember that there is a point to it.

Mark raised his eyebrow at me. "A skit, huh?"

I laughed. "Just watch."

The screen cleared to show me, Collins as himself, Angel as herself, Karen dressed in Roger's clothes and Lynn (the girl who plays Leigh) dressed in Mark's clothes.

__

Video Me: The scene? A typical day up in your loft. The people? Me, you, Angel, Collins and Roger.

"Why are your friends dressed as us?" Mark asked, glaring at the TV.

"They aren't _dressed_ as you. They're just wearing your clothes." I shrugged.

"Why are they wearing our clothes? And where did you get them from?"

"I don't know. They were in my apartment." I shrugged again.

"Why were our clothes in your apartment?" 

"I don't know. Why _were_ your clothes in my apartment? Maybe you should start locking your door." 

"Cassy!" Mark exclaimed. "Have you been breaking into our apartment?"

I attempted a Mona Lisa smile. "Just watch the video, Mark."

__

Video Me: (approaching Collins) Hey, Collins, have you seen Mark? I need to-

Video Collins: Can't talk now. Angel. (lifts Angel up and kisses her and the two skip off camera)

Video Me: Alright then… Roger- I need to ask-

Video "Roger" (Karen): Can't talk now. Mimi. (walks over to "Mimi" (Angel wearing a wig) and they walk off camera)

Video Me: Argh! I can't trust anyone. Damn people not existing. Ooh- Angel's back! Angel, have you-

Video Angel: (grabbing a jacket) Can't talk now. Collins.

"Okay, is this video just the same thing over and over and over?" Mark asked, looking at the screen with a "scared" look in his eyes.

"You know what? Nevermind." I clicked off the video. "At this rate we'll never get to the important part. Excuse my attempt at being creative."

"Hey, Cassy." Mark grabbed my arm. "I'm sorry for insulting your video, okay?"

I smiled. "It's fine. It was a pretty bad video, huh?" Laughter all around. I didn't think it was _that_ bad! Oh well, just go with it, honey. When did I start talking to myself? 

"Anyway, Mark, why don't I explain what the point of that video was? Okay- my old high school does these music camps every winter and they usually have tutors for the different instruments. And vocal tutors too. And they want me to be a vocal tutor- right?" Mark nodded. "But I wasn't sure if I could get the time off work, although they just thought that I didn't really want to come so they offered to let me bring friends, provided that they wouldn't get in the way too much. And so I got the time off work, so I was wondering if you want to come?"

Mark blinked, looking surprised. "Me? Why wouldn't you bring someone like Karen? Or Roger?"

I laughed. "Hey, you saw the video. Roger has more important things in his life- i.e. his girlfriend- then running off to Canada with me. Besides, both Karen and Danny are already coming to be vocal tutors- their Huron alumni too. Marky- you have to come."

He smiled. "I'll come if you don't call me Marky."

"Deal. We leave on Monday at noon. Tell Roger before we leave though- God forbid he has to worry."

"Do I detect a note of bitterness in the Queen of Happiness' façade?" Mark grinned.

"Shut up and start packing." I laughed. I was getting good at hiding my true emotions. I didn't want anyone to realize exactly how excluded I was beginning to feel. I had just missed too much. "We don't need any more procrastination then we already have in the form of me."

"Hey, that reminds me." Mark turned to face Collins. God, I had almost forgotten the couple was still there. "Roger was cleaning out his closet the other day, he found some of your old papers and stuff. Do you still want them?"

"Dunno." Collins shrugged. "I guess I'll have to check them out and see."

"Let's go look then," Mark stood up and brushed his pants off.

"Okay." Collins leaned over and kissed Angel's forehead. "I'll be back in a bit, darling."

I sighed and watched them leave. "You guys are the perfect couple. I am so jealous."

"Yeah," Angel said quickly. "Hey, it didn't upset you that much when we were laughing at your film, did it?"

Hmm, maybe not as good at hiding true feelings as I thought. "Hmmm, I guess it's okay. I didn't really make the video to be serious or anything. I just don't think I'm used to people laughing at me."

"You were laughing too," Angel pointed out.

"Yeah, good point. But don't worry about me, I'll probably be over it in a few minutes." I turned the TV and video back on then pressed rewind, watching myself going through various motions backwards. "God, I'm not that hyper in real life, am I?"

"Sometimes."

"Oh. Hmm. I've gotta get myself some Ritalin."

Angel laughed. "Hey, have you been letting any other street musicians into your theatre to warm up lately?"

"No." I shook my head. "Haven't been able to find any special enough."

"Aw, don't I feel loved."

"Angel, you are loved. Don't forget it. No matter what, don't forget that someone will always love you, even when you don't feel like you are. Never forget. And always share yourself- you'll never ever regret it. You have to remember that old cliché- it's better to regret something you have done then to regret something you didn't do."

"Wow." Angel gazed at me. "I thought Mark and Collins were the philosophical ones among us."

I smiled and shook my head again. "Just remembering something I was told in high school. I felt it was time to pass my wisdom on." I looked over at the drag queen, who was picking at his nails. "What's wrong?"

"I was just thinking that I'm going to be really alone this week. Collins is doing some university course teaching thing and you and Mark are going to be up in Canada and-"

"Do you want to come too, Angel?"

"Well, I couldn't, I mean, I don't want to-"

"You're not going to be imposing or anything. And if you're worried about going for nothing I can tell Sloan that you'll help with percussion. They always need more people who play interesting instruments to help teach percussion clinics and you're good at making music out of stuff you wouldn't usually make music with and… I'm babbling now." 

I paused and took a breath. "Anyway, do you want to come? I can call Sloan and tell him I'm bringing another person- he won't mind."

"I've got to talk it over with Tom-" Angel started.

"Ohmigod, you just called him Tom. That's is the most adorable thing I've ever heard," I interrupted. "Sorry. Of course you have to talk to Collins about it. Come see me when you've decided and I'll call Sloan. Unless you have access to a phone, in which case you know my number." 

I pulled Angel to his feet. "You'd better go talk to your boyfriend. He's probably still upstairs with Mark trying to decide if a random piece of paper with scribblings in my writing saying 'It not a waste, there's just more competition,' is worth saving to figure out." Angel laughed. "If he actually does find that paper, tell him I'm talking about hot guys who happen to be bi. See you later." 

*~*~*~*

Needless to say, Collins let Angel come to Canada with us, although he did say he would miss him. (They were the most adorable couple in the world…) Anyway, 4 days later, Mark, Angel, Karen, Danny and I headed off to Canada. Nothing like advanced warning, but we managed to get seats near each other on the airplane anyway, not quite sure how.

Once we arrived at the camp where music camp always is, I was horribly shocked to discover that Sloan had a problem with Angel. How can someone have a problem with Angel? He was one of the sweetest, most accepting and most fun people I've ever known. Technically though, it wasn't Angel he had trouble with; it was the way Angel was dressed. Yes, I told Angel that he had permission to be in drag. Why wouldn't he? Apparently because it "corrupted the children". Sadly enough, these "children" were age 14-20, so I doubt they didn't know what a drag queen was. Finally we manage to win Sloan over with A) a hell of a lot of pleading from me and B) an absolutely amazing drum performance from Angel. In a compromise, Angel was allowed to dress in drag, as long as it wasn't during his percussion "workshops". So Angel did the workshops, Karen, Danny and I tutored the vocal students with some random bass and Mark walked around with his video camera, narrating our lives. 

Amazingly enough, that didn't really put much of a damper on the 3 days we were there for. I mean, Angel was upset for a little while, but he bounced back pretty quickly. The 5 of us shared a cabin thing, although it was pretty far away from the main area. The crazy trombone guy would give us a ride into the main area though, so it didn't matter. Anyway, on the night in question, we were all in me, Karen and Angel's room, playing Truth or Dare for some reason. (I think we were incredibly bored and hyper.)

*~*~*~*

"Okay, Cass, truth or dare?" Mark asked, leaning back against the ladder on one of the beds. Yes, they gave us bunk beds. Made me feel like such a little kid and the game didn't exactly help.

"Well, as you're asking me and I don't trust you to give me a good dare, truth." I roll my eyes at him.

"Okay…" Mark paused for a minute and grinned as he thought of a question. "Who all have you slept with?" 

Okay, maybe the game didn't make me feel like a little kid. Bad bad question for Mark to ask. "Well… Will- you remember Will, Karen? -, this guy named Brian, another guy nobody but Karen would know- James, Benny and… ummm… Roger." I bit my lip, looking up at Mark's reaction.

"Roger!?!" Mark exclaimed, in disgust almost.

"Well, I was sad! And he was… there…" It sounded horrible when I actually said it, but in my mind it seemed to make sense. To an extent.

"You had sex with Roger…" Mark said slowly, this strange look crossing his face. It was almost a mixture of disappointment, disgust, anger and… hurt. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why he was giving me that look.

"Look, me and Benny had just broken up, I went back to the loft and was really upset and Roger was the only one there. And he was being really nice and sweet and comforting and… I don't know, it just happened, you know?" 

"Okay, let me get this straight. You slept with Roger because you were sad?"

"Yes!" The first time. I knew that it wouldn't be a good idea to explain to Mark that there had been more then one time though. "Maaaaaaarky… are you mad at me?"

"What? Why would I be mad at you? Your way of dealing with being sad is your own business," Mark mumbled, suddenly very interested in a piece of tape on his camera. 

"I don't know, you just seem… pissy…" I bit my lip at the expression on his face, maybe calling him 'pissy' wasn't the smartest idea. I knew I should have just dropped the subject but letting things go at the right time has never been one of my high points. 

"I'm not pissy!" Mark squeaked out, his face turning bright red. It would have been cute, if I didn't know that he was angry with me. I couldn't figure out _why_ he was angry, but he was. It was time to change the subject.

"Karen, truth or dare?" And the game returned in its former "glory"- kind of- except, I knew Mark was giving me strange looks the entire time. Okay, maybe Rog and I should have told him, but I never really thought of it as a big deal. Just something that happened between us a couple of times and wasn't going to happen between us anymore, since he had a Mimi now. It didn't matter.

The game progressed a little bit more quickly then I wanted it to though. Karen mooned out the window and Danny revealed that his first role in a real show was to prance around in tights singing a random song about coffee. Even my first show wasn't that bad. But it was Angel's turn to ask Mark and Mark chose dare. I guess he didn't want to deal with anymore stupid confrontations or anything. "Mark, I dare you- and Cassy- to kiss and make up." Angel Dumott Schunard, the original peacemaker. 

Mark sputtered. 

Angel stole the camera and focused it on him. 

I jumped on Mark and kissed him with all I had. 

Karen laughed. 

"Marky…. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Roger and me. I should have. Do you forgive me?"

Mark blinked. I think he was still trying to figure out what happened, so as he processed it all, I climbed off him and sat back against the wall. "I… ummm… yes?"

"Yay."

*~*~*~*

Mark didn't really forgive me though, I think he just said it because he wanted to make Angel happy and because he had just been kissed. And I am good, if I say so myself. And I do. Anyway, Mark spent the entire rest of the weekend wandering around with his camera sulking. I spent the rest of the weekend alternating between explaining to altos that, no matter how much they squeeze their throats, they will _not _be able to hit the High C and sound pretty, and trying to figure out what was wrong with Mark.

Looking back, the only explanation I can come up with for why I didn't figure it out is that I'm not the brightest crayon in the box. I should have seen it, Angel saw it. That's why he made the dare he did. But I didn't see it for a long long time. Certainly not that weekend, I was too busy seeing other things.

*~*~*~*

"Where's your other half?"

That was the ever brilliant first thing James said to me all weekend. Karen and Mark were packing our stuff up in the car and Danny and Angel were off somewhere. I went into the dining hall to sit on a table and try to work on a new show but he came and sat _right_ next to me. So much for being along and working. "Other half?"

"Yeah, other half. You know, Karen and Cassy? The two blondes in the front row?"

"Shut up, Bassoon Boy. I can function on my own, you know. She's out packing the car with Mark." Not that I was just a little bitter from our break up. That would never happen. Okay, yes it would. I was still mad. The boy went off to university and to be famous and forgot about me. And yes, I did get with Benny, but I was pretty miserable for that year before I did!

"I know you can. And I'm glad she's not here. You know, Cassy, I always did like you best." James leaned toward me with sparkling eyes and I melted. I never could stay mad at anyone I saw. Only if I didn't see them could I stay mad.

"I know you liked me better, that's why you dated me, isn't it? And why you forgot about me? You said you'd call…" Maybe I was still a little mad, no matter how much I was melting.

"Cassy… I tried to call. I called in the March after we started university, but nobody knew where you were. And I called before then, but you were never home… didn't you get my messages?"

That made me feel bad. I never called him either… granted, I didn't have a number to call, but if I tried hard enough I'm sure I could have found one. "Oh… I'm… uh… I'm sorry, James. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I never got any messages, I just assumed you forgot about me."

"Cassy…" He leaned in and softly kissed me and I suddenly remembered why I fell for him in the first place. Not that I ever totally forgot, I just needed a little reminding. "I would _never_ forget you."

"I never did…" That what happens with the first guy you ever fell in love with. "We need to catch up." I put down my notebook and slid a little closer to him. "I dropped out of university freshman year, that's why they couldn't find me when you called in March."

"I figured…" James smiled and shook his head, setting his hand on the other side of me so he _almost_ had his arm around me. "I never could see you in university. I graduated though. Performed professionally a couple times. Guess where I'm playing now?"

From the way he said it, I could tell where immediately. I looked over at him and smiled. "New York. You're playing where I am. Does that mean we'll…?"

He smiled back at me. "It definitely means we'll…" He trailed off as well, but it wasn't because he didn't know what to say, it was because he leaned over and kissed me. And I slid into his lap and kissed him back. 

And through this all, I still managed to hear Mark's slightly nasal voice go, "Awwww shit."

*~*~*~*

Needless to say, James and I got back together after that. I don't know if we would have if he didn't live in New York, though, I'm not a very good long distance person. I guess we learned that with the whole university-James thing. Things work that way, they twist around oddly and finally all make sense at the end of it all. Still, we got back together and it was nice and it was good. 

Well… most of it was good. James and I lived together for awhile and I think I only saw Mark 4 or 5 times in those whole 2 months. I could _not_ understand what was happening between us, everything had gotten weird since we came back from Canada. I never did figure out what was wrong until much, much later, after James and I had broken up. Afterwards, I found out how alone Mark felt through that entire time and I just wish he could have told me. I wish I hadn't been so caught up in myself just like… *blink*… Maureen…


	6. How We Got Here- Part Five

How We Got Here- Part Five

**__**

Disclaimer: Everyone except Cassy and James belongs to Jonathan Larson. Definitely **not** me.

****

Author's Note: Again with the slightly filler-ness, but I needed to get this part out there and there needed to be a break after that last scene, so I apologize for the shortness.

Sometimes I hate myself, honestly. And it's not little things that make me feel that way and I don't only feel it partway- I do stupid, horrible, insensitive things and I hate myself with everything I have. I have a right to though- honestly, I don't hate myself for stupid reasons… There was a lot of self-hatred going on that fall though, and I still totally understand why. What else could I have felt about myself? I was so absorbed with myself and my show and my little love life with James… I didn't spend near enough time with Roger, or Mark, or… or… Angel.

Granted, Mark wouldn't see me- even after James and I broke up. I was starting to get a little smarter though, and I eventually figured out that it was because James still lived with me. He did! It wasn't a big deal though… I mean, our whole relationship was probably just us wanting to stay in the past and so… I don't know, we just enjoyed each other's company so much but… there was no spark. I tend to get myself stuck in relationships. But we broke up and stayed in the same apartment and Mark still wouldn't come see me. He hated James- still does. Angel didn't hate James, Angel didn't hate anyone. He was my best friend for awhile… I could have seen him more, I really could have. I just _didn't_. And I don't think I'm ever, _ever_ going to forgive myself for that.

~*~*~*~

"It's not fair!" I sobbed into James' chest, weakly trying to pound my fist against it. He easily stopped my hand though, gently squeezing it before setting it back down by my side and just holding me tightly. "I told him I'd come visit him… I promised him I would, and I was late! I promised and I broke my promise. And it was your fault!"

"Shhh… shhh… sweetie, it wasn't anyone's fault." I could feel him running his fingers through my hair, trying to comfort me, I guess. He didn't get it… how could he? Sometimes I thought the boy lived in a plastic bubble- nothing bad ever seemed to happen to him or even be able to touch him. 

"It was! Damnit, you said you'd take me to see him! We just had to stop to pick up that bassoon of yours, didn't we!?!" I was completely aware of the fact that I couldn't- and shouldn't- blame him for any of this but there wasn't anything else to _blame_! "I didn't get to see him, and I told him I would! What if he wanted to see me before… before…"

"Before he died?" James asked gently, trying as hard as he could not to do anything to cause me to freak out. "Sweetie… he had Collins… you know he would have been happy. He loved Collins more then anything, and you know that them being together would have been enough-" James broke off abruptly, beginning to panic as he saw the expression on my face. "That doesn't mean he didn't love you too… he did, come on, he _did_. But he just saw you right before he… and you know he didn't think you deserted him… he wouldn't ever think that at all."

"I knooow… but Jaaaaames… why?" James gently shook his head and motioned back to his shoulder, letting me bury my face back into it. He really could be so sweet when he wanted to be… which was most of the time. He was the perfect boyfriend- sometimes I wish I we hadn't lost our "spark". 

"Baby… I know this sounds contrived… but it was Angel's time. Come on… sweetie, Angel wouldn't want to you be sad for him." I know now that he's probably right, but all I could think then was that everything he was saying was complete bullshit. What, did Angel want us to be _happy_ when he died? Granted, he _did_ specify that he didn't want a traditional, "weepy" memorial, but still… "Come on… baby… please stop crying. You're going to be late for Angel's memorial…"

I finally allowed myself to pull away from his shoulder and dabbed at my eyes with the tissue he handed me. Luckily I wasn't wearing any eye make-up… I had managed to think that far ahead. "I can't believe it's Halloween," I mumbled, squeezing my eyes shut before a fresh wave of tears could start.

"Shhhh… I know, baby, I know." James gently ran his hands through my hair again then leaned over and softly kissed my forehead. He stood up and straightened out his black shirt then held a hand out to me. "Come on… we need to go now… you wouldn't ever want to be late."

~*~*~*~

I couldn't stay for the entire memorial. I absolutely couldn't. Originally I was supposed to sing at Angel's… at the memorial, but I couldn't do it and I knew I wouldn't be able. Instead Collins, James and myself locked ourselves into my apartment and put together a song for Collins to sing… it was gorgeous. Collins doesn't have the most operatic voice, exactly, but you could just hear the love in his voice and it was so… so… beautiful and… I couldn't stay in the church after that. I was supposed to speak, but I couldn't- I would absolutely have a breakdown and I wouldn't be able to stand that, being so messed up in front of people. So I quietly excused myself, hugged Collins lightly and told him to call me, then got out of there as quickly as I could without running.

I went to the theatre. I, of course, had signed off the show that night for "personal reasons", but I went there anyway and curled into myself in the greenroom. A theatre has always been the safest place in the world to me… I talked about James living in a bubble before- the theatre was my plastic bubble. Absolutely nothing could touch me there and… I can't go into that. It's just special to me. 

But I knew I couldn't stay there forever. I had to go home- you can't just _escape_. Or apparently you could, if you ask a certain blonde man who I was just ready to kill.

~*~*~*~

"Mark?" I tentatively pushed open the door to the loft and stared in surprise. Where was everyone? "Mark… sweetie pie… where's everyone else?"

"Benny and Collins are getting drunk… Maureen and Joanne are probably screwing… Roger went to Santa Fe… and Mimi's gone…" Mark's voice dropped to a mumble on the last few words and I quickly ran over to the couch. Was he crying? He was crying…

"Mark… honey… what's wrong?" I bit down on my lip, watching him cry. God, what could I do? I didn't even really know what was wrong… just that Roger was gone and… damnit, how the hell could he do that? Leave Mimi and Mark and… me… alone. We need him. I reached over and took Mark into my arms, as his instinctively tightened around me. I reached up and gently stroked his hair.

"I sold out…" 

I felt the insane urge to giggle, having this incredible flashback to a few years ago and the same conversation, only opposite. "Alexi…" I whispered, watching him nod. Okay, so maybe he _did_ actually sell out. But still… he was and will always be my Marky. "Baby… you didn't sell out… not to me…"

"Everyone else is going to think I sold out," he mumbled and I, once again struck by the similarities, just hugged him tighter. "Especially Roger…"

"But I won't. And come on, isn't what I think more important then what any of them think?" I asked, surprised by how conceited that sounded and then even more surprised when he nodded. I hadn't realized I was that… important… to him. "Marky…" I sighed softly, not knowing what else to say, so just held him tightly instead.

"Cassy… do you think I hide?"

"Hide from what?"

"Just… everything… Roger, before he left, he… he said some stuff and just… I don't know, it's been making me think and…"

"Babe, of course I don't think you hide… I know everything about you."

"No you don't."

"What did Roger say to you?"

"He said… you know, that I hide behind my work and…I do, you know. There's nothing else I can do… because… if I get too close, I can't… I mean… I can't watch anyone else get sick, it's just too… I need to hide in my work, I know I need to- to survive."

"Shhh… Marky, you're going to survive no matter… honestly, honey, you're the one of us who actually has enough talent and drive to… nobody else is going…" I cut off, not wanting to say anything else, knowing the subtext of "surviving". It's not just succeeding in the profession you love- not with our friends.

"What about you?"

"_Me_? Hell, Mark, I'm an actress. In 20 years I'm going to be sitting around in community theatres, bitching about how I "used to" be famous." I sighed and dropped my head onto his shoulder. "No, you're going to survive- your films are so brilliant and… it's more then that… you're more _willing_ to."

"Cassy, no," Mark said sternly, completely shocking me once again. He wasn't supposed to be that, well, strong. "You're just as willing as me to survive, god, probably more. I mean, you want it so bad and you're always trying so hard… and that's what I love about you. Don't ever try to tell me that you won't survive… remember what we promised each other?"

"To make each other famous…" I smiled shyly at Mark, I can't believe he actually remembered that. "We were so stupid then… I mean…"

"Cassy, quiet. I-"

"Honestly… well, maybe not stupid, but so idealistic and… I don't know-"

"Cassy, _quiet_! I need to tell-"

"Naïve, I guess… or innocent, we were just-"

"Cassy, shut up. I lo-"

"So convinced that we would be famous, and I don't know if that would happen now-"

"I said, shut up!" Before I knew what was happening, Mark's lips were pressed firmly against mine and I was shut up. Now, I didn't know what was going on at all, but I was shut up.

I finally pulled away and sat there, staring into Mark's wide eyes. He looked just as shocked as I felt- which was _stupid_ as this whole thing was started by him. I never, ever, _ever_ expected Mark to do anything like that… I should have though, he dropped enough hints. "Marky? I… ummm… what was that?"

"A kiss."

"I know. _Why_?"

"Because… I… ummm… Iloveyou." Again, Mark's voice had dropped to a mumble and I had absolutely no idea what he said. Yes, I am an idiot. I just sat there, blinking at him, and I could tell he was disappointed until he realized that I didn't understand. "Cassy… I… Love… You."

Damnit, Mark loved me? I know; I should have figured it out before, but I told you, I just get so involved in myself. "Marky, I uh…" I stared at him, and suddenly my mind started filling with images of him and me- him feeding me cardboard hospital food because I couldn't hold the fork and Benny wasn't there; him beating random video games for me and not mocking me… too much; me making a complete fool of myself singing in front of his camera; him visiting me after every show; and me crying the one time I thought he didn't show up. Shit, how did I _not_ notice that before? "I… I think I love you too." I smiled sweetly up at him and decided that maybe things would be okay after all, even though it wouldn't be for a long time.

~*~*~*~

Surprise, surprise, guess who got together after that? It was a little awkward, as I was still living in my apartment with James and, well, I don't think Mark ever go over the fact that he _stole_ me. Apparently Mark had planned on saying something that weekend but that turned out so well… eventually I ended up spending more time in the loft then I did in my apartment, it was just reflex. I have always _always_ enjoyed spending time with Mark, and he needed the company without Roger there…

I could kill Roger, still feel that way. Such a brat, just leaving like that… we needed him so frigging badly. Somehow Mark managed to convince me to forgive Roger, but not until after he came back. We tried to look for Mimi, but there's just so many places to go in New York City and… I don't know how we managed to survive for that month. Honestly, I still don't. And I don't think I ever will.


End file.
